What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 03:48
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I write beautiful poetry .
We were not on the streets..
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Im dying but, im not bitter.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
My family never makes their pension either.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Why did i forgive my father ?
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But it wasn’t much.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I said to her
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
So, i spoilt her more .
We all went to grammer schools
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
This is soul school!.
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He knew the spot.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Comes on , in middle age.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
All the time i was locked up.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She wouldn,t have been !
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Put me off passion for life!!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Especially a lifetime of it.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She married twice! .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And i lived it daily.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My life is so biszare .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Im still living with it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was seconnd youngest,
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was scared of men, in general
Would this be the day?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I couldn’t, believe it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was 9 years of age.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
When she asked me how she looked .
She loved him until the end.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I could never make a relationship work though!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Who then, do I blame.?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I think the readers, may guess!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One cannot live in the past .
But, we were locked up after school.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I have no regrets .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
It was going to be , some day.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was very sick at this time too.
She was in good health!
What did i know ?
Ive learnt so much.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
So whats the point in blame.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I will be 64.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She found it foreign!.
I waited trembling.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I don,t even have a pension.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.